Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
