Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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