i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
