Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
