either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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