Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
