it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
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He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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