Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
