everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
