Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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