making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
