It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
