We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
