He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
