They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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