Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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