i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think your dad took our porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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