Where is the hickey?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
