its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
