let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
