Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
