I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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