I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
