i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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