btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
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Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
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YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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