Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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