i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
