He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
