Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
