Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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