he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
