You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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