I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
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why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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