ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
