Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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