she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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