I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
