Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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