My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
