In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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