i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
