dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
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I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
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Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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