I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
