My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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