I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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