hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My liver just broke up with me...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
A bitchslap is in order.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
