I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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