The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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