one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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