So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
