i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
