And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
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Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
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Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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