ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
