Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
