now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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