toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
it's great music for shaving your balls
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
